I was a yelling mom. A mom who flipped out, freaked out, went crazy on my kids. Especially my son. Which completely breaks my heart to say that. Type that. Whatever. After years of healing my broken heart, a heart that started to shatter before age 5, I now know why I yelled so much.
I didn’t yell for just one reason. There were many.
Firstly, my dominant sign is Aries — ruled by Mars, we are the passionate ones, some would say, the hotheads. I was a total hothead.
With five planets in Aries, you chose a lot of fire when you chose me as your mama, Handsome. I’m sorry, and also, you’re welcome.
Then of course there’s the ‘I married my father’ piece. And the piece where I ran full-speed away from my deep and gnarly childhood wounds until I just couldn’t run anymore.
I was a co-dependent, broken-hearted mess of a mom, and I didn’t even know it.
You’d think a college-educated woman with a Master’s degree would have studied or read something on co-dependency by her 40’s. Nope.
I could go into ten thousand stories, yet, what it all really boils down to is this — I was desperate to feel safe and be seen.
I was significantly unnoticed, unsupported, and unsafe as a child. All of those experiences created a deep imprint on my psyche that followed me well into my 40’s.
In true dominant Aries form, I’m going to be really honest with you
Yelling, or raising your voice at your children on a regular basis causes damage—damage to your relationship and even damage to your child’s brain.
And yelling doesn’t “fix” their behavior “problems”, it actually makes them worse. I’ve worked with countless parents who tell me “they only listen when I yell”. If you’ve said that yourself, take a deep breath and think about it— does your yelling create the long-term solution you’re looking for? It totally does not.
Here’s what’s actually happening when you yell.
When you yell, you send your child into a heightened level of stress, and in this day and age (it’s March 19, 2020 as I write this), your child is already experiencing higher levels of emotional stress than any generation of children in the last 50+ years. Sadly, the average child today doesn’t play outside or even play, as much as their brains and bodies require for balanced physical, mental, and emotional health. They spend more time on tablets than on bikes, with devices than face-to-face with friends, and on homework than on creativity and exploration.
And now we’re in the Coronavirus days. Stress levels are at an ALL-TIME HIGH for parents, so guess who’s feeling it, too?
Your child’s nervous system is stressed to capacity even before you yell.
Before you get to the point of yelling, it’s quite possible your child’s nervous system is already in Fight or Flight mode which means your child’s ability to process (your) speech is reduced, and high-frequency sounds like yelling, cannot actually be heard, or cannot be heard as well as lower-frequency sounds, like a calmer, softer speaking voice.
Read that last paragraph again. It's beyond important.
So your child isn’t “listening”, because their brain cannot process (hear) what it is you’re yelling.
When you're yelling, your child literally cannot hear you.
Not only do they not hear you, their brains and bodies aren’t processing much of anything other than "Mommy is scary as f*ck".
And What is it That You Want Most In That Moment?
To Be Heard— in the sense of feeling and being acknowledged, witnessed, and appreciated.
You don't really, truly, care so much about your child putting on her damn shoes. You really, truly, care about being acknowledged, witnessed, and seen. Other words for this might be respected, taken seriously, and appreciated.
Alrighty, all that to say, there’s hope for you if you yell at your children and you’re done done done with that.
And that hope is found in diving deeply into your stories, patterns, and body. Yes, your body. That’s where all the answers are. They’re not up in your head, as we’ve been taught to believe for, like, forever.
Stay tuned for deep diving, mind body help to get to the root of why you yell and a practical, easy-to-implement process to break yourself free from that cycle, once and for all.
She is Heard is a 3-month Mind Body journey to identify and release the emotions— like anger and shame, that keep you and your child looping in painful behavior patterns.
What most mamas don’t know is that one or more of at least 8 “negative” emotions have been present and u.n.r.e.s.o.l.v.e.d in your mind and body since before your child was born.
They're not negative emotions, they’ve been repressed and shamed.
Together we will dissolve the destructive patterns gripping you and your child, then identify and install new, desired patterns — honoring your child’s core values even if they cannot articulate them to you yet.
BIG NOTE: Most adults don’t know their own core values, so having this insight into your child’s makeup at their sweet, young age is one of the keys to the thriving relationship you both desire. I can’t wait to introduce you to all of the other to be revealed to you in this experience!
Designed for moms reacting to their child’s behavior in ways that break your heart and reinforce generational cycles of harm.
You get to have a gorgeous relationship with your child. It’s inevitable, my dear.
3-month group experience with the option of 1:1 mind body mentoring, coaching, and support.